Queen of Conversation - June 1, 2009 - Tips for Difficult Conversations

Newsletter, June 1, 2009

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In This Issue ...
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1. Quotation of the Week
2. Conversation Tip for Memorial Day
3. Word of the Week
4. Humor
5. More Goodies: Website Reminder

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1. Quotation of the Week

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
- William James

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2. Conversation Tip of the Week
How to Start a Difficult Conversation

Birds do it, bees do it, and for all we know, even educated fleas do it.
I'm not talking about falling in love. I'm talking about getting something
off your chest. Your partner left coffee grounds on the counter again.
The guy in the next office forgot to give you a message. Again.

Something's bugging you, and you gotta deal with it. Here's the rub:
there are ways to unburden yourself and then there are effective ways
to bring about the change you want.

Researcher Dr. John Gottman learned to predict the outcome of married
couples' difficult conversations with 95% accuracy. Here's his secret: If
the conversation started with a blast of hostility, criticism or anger, it
ended badly. If the conversation started softly, it usually ended well.

Here are a couple soft starts:

I appreciate your making coffee. Could you would wipe up the
coffee grounds, too? I love a clean counter."
"Frank, it seems I'm not getting all my messages. Could we talk
this afternoon about setting up a system so that I do?"

What 4 Words Can Poison a Difficult Conversation?

Here's another tip for starting difficult conversations: Avoid the words
"We need to talk." We mean well when we say these simple words, but
they'll raise your sweetie's hackles. He's likely to think, "Oh, what's she
been stewing about now?" Don't you stiffen when you hear them? Take
these four words out of your vocabulary.

Remember, softly begun is half done.

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3. Word of the Week: hackles

plural a: erectile hairs along the neck and back especially of dogs;
b: temper, dander, as in "the issue raised some hackles"

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4. Humor

Fred and his wife were giving each other the silent treatment. At
bedtime, Fred realized that the next day he would need his wife to
wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight. Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
his wife a note:

"Please wake me at 5 a.m." He left it on her toothbrush.

When Fred woke up, the sun was shining, and he'd missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to yell at his wife when he noticed a slip of
paper by the bed. It said, "It is 5 a.m. Wake up."

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5. Website Reminder: More Goodies

Get newsletter archives and articles and tips for good conversation
at www.QueenOfConversation.com . (It's where you signed up for
this newsletter.) You'll land on the page that offers the 15 free
questions. Go to the bottom of that page and click on "site map."
Zoom! You'll go inside where the goodies are.

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