So-called experts say that these are things not to do on a first date. Nuts to them. Set the tone of the relationship right from the start. Being yourself is the key to happiness.

Why pretend to be something you’re not? It’s so much trouble to try to impress somebody. You’ll shuck those fancy manners after awhile anyhoo. Besides, when you fish with the wrong bait, you catch the wrong fish. And what does that get you?

The wrong bait nets you a high-maintenance partner who expects you to behave properly all the time. Somebody who wants you to eat peas with a fork instead of a spoon. What a drag. Who wants a partner like that?

All right. You’re seated, so let’s begin.

1. Order chablis the fancy way, “with a straw.” To show off your restaurant etiquette, pronounce the “s” in chablis.

2. Order garlic steak for you and liver--no onions--for your date. If your date claims to be a vegetarian, say, “Oh, no wonder you look green. The red meat will do you good.”

3. When your salads arrive, pull a worm from your pocket and put it on your salad plate. Say, “It’s my ticket to many a free meal.” Ask for the manager and point to the worm. “What kind of a joint are you runnin’ here? My sister at the department of health oughta check you guys out.” Demand that the whole meal be taken off your bill.

4. Pick your nose. Examine the booger. Eat it.

5. Flirt with the wait staff, male and female.

6. Use your nose-pickin’ fingers to pluck the choicest morsel from your date’s plate.

7. Chew with your mouth way, way open. Show off those fillings.

8. Show off your gift of small talk. Women think that men don’t communicate, so bust that myth. Don't make her think up conversation topics. Talk about yourself constantly.

9. Burp as musically as possible.

10. Use your fork as a toothpick. If that doesn’t dislodge the gunk, use your fingers--the more the better.

11. Complain about the service. Don’t leave a tip.

12. Do leave in a hurry.

In other words, just do what comes naturally. When you find someone who appreciates the real you--no pretenses, no airs--you’ll know she is The One. Nail her to the wall, right next to your dartboard.

And now I'd like to invite you to discover how good conversation questions can grease the path to deeper friendship. Get  *free* copy of "15 Fun, Free, and Original Ice Breakers & Conversation Questions for Parties, Dates, and Hanging Out With Friends." Go to http://www.queenofconversation.com/15-Sure-Fire-Conversation-Starters.html

©Tracey E. Bennett, The Queen of Conversation

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